Count yourself lucky that you didn’t have to watch any of these disastrous date night movies because the TV and movie team weren’t so lucky.
For film fans, there’s nothing quite like sharing a movie with a prospective partner or long-term beau. In our little world, sitting down to share our love of cinema (either at home or in the theater) is basically the equivalent of those odd mating dances that crabs do. Unfortunately, just like the crabs who get picked off by seagulls mid-jig, showing a loved one a film doesn’t always work out.
Sometimes, that’s because we chose to watch a bizarre arthouse horror film rather than a traditional romance movie. Other times, it’s because we drank a literal bucket of Coke before watching a needlessly long rom-com about street dancers.
Whatever the reason, here are the films we think are the worst date night movies ever, filtered through the unfortunate lens of our own tragic love lives… yes, the following stories are all unfortunately true.
Step Up 3D
Disclaimer: This parable is less about the film (a sensory nightmare that made everything worse) and more about sensible snack choices on dates.
The year was 2010, I was 13, and I went to see Step Up 3D with one of the most popular girls in school. Decisions were made, none of them good – and that goes for the movie itself. Where its predecessor, The Streets, succeeded, this limp and corny threequel failed from its first tip-tapping steps; you’d be better off watching a YouTube compilation of America’s Got Talent dance troupes.
But that was a drawback of a theatrical experience that was doomed from the start. I’d purchased a gargantuan Coca-Cola, all of which I’d slurped before the movie began. Nature took course, so I excused myself to go to the loo. As I walked back to my seat, a harrowing realization set in: I didn’t just need to pee again – I was already bursting.
As my back teeth were swimming, my mind was racing. “I can’t go for a p*ss again, can I? She’ll think I’m a weirdo. Forget Jimmy Two Times, I’ll be Cammy Pees Twice.”
I held it in until my back hurt; my bladder felt like Dr Kananga, moments from exploding and leaving me a pissy, teary mess. The movie just kept going, and with every nauseating deployment of 3D, I descended deeper into a hellish, urine-hued Stargate of my own paranoid making.
As the credits rolled, I sprinted to the toilet like Forrest Grump breaking out of his leg braces. The feeling was unimaginable ecstasy – so much so that it overshadowed the rest of the date (admittedly, it was otherwise terrible, a consequence of two mismatched teens seeing a crap film together).
We spoke nary a word on the 45-minute bus ride home, and I’ve never watched Step Up 3D again. ‘Club Can’t Handle Me’ is still a banger, though.
Carol
What do you get when you mix two awkward young lesbians and the most sapphic film of the decade on a first date? The answer definitely shouldn’t have been, “and they never spoke again,” but alas, it was. Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara’s period romantic piece Carol was all anyone could talk about in the winter of 2015, so surely taking the girl you fancy to see it is a slam-dunk in terms of amazing first dates.
On-screen, the plot is full of intimate moments, lustful yearning, and the bravery to share how you really feel — all of which were completely absent from the date itself. There was no talking, no sly hand-holding under the cover of darkness, no form of interaction of any kind. Some could say this is just dedication to everything God Blanchett does, but the awkward retreat to the nearest tube station afterward proves otherwise. Don’t pity me too much, reader… the movie dates have only continued to get better and more chaotic since.
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Cry-Baby
The guy I had been dating was in a rockabilly band, so I wasn’t at all surprised when he invited me over to watch John Waters’ teen rebel musical, Cry-Baby. We had only been dating a couple of weeks, so it was still in the cute, ‘getting-to-know-each-other’ phase. All was going well, and we were enjoying the movie until he turned to me and said it inspired him to write a tongue-in-cheek song about his girlfriend.
I laughed it off, assuming he meant ex, but then he proceeded to ask me if I had a boyfriend. Even Johnny Depp’s campy crooning wasn’t enough to dispel my shock. “Well, no, I wouldn’t be on a date with you if I did,” I said. At a loss of what else to say, I asked, “You?” Turns out, he didn’t have a girlfriend… he had a wife. I was out of there faster than you can say, Sh-Boom. And no, I didn’t shed a single tear.
Killing of a Sacred Deer
You know that feeling when you’re watching a movie with someone, and their utter disdain for the thing you’re watching just permeates the entire room? Yeah, that’s what I experienced when I took a girl I was seeing to watch Yorgos Lanthimos’ Killing of a Sacred Deer. Fair play, the stilted dialog and messed up storyline aren’t exactly the kind of thing a general moviegoer is likely to enjoy, but I could almost feel her looking at the exit doors and longing to run out of the cinema.
Suffice to say, the drive home was an awkward one. We never watched a film together again and parted ways a couple of weeks later. It turns out Barry Keoghan eating spaghetti like a little freak is enough to kill not just a sacred deer but also a relationship.
Zodiac
The year is 2007, which is so far back that I met my date on MySpace. We’d bonded over a mutual love of sci-fi and horror and John Carpenter and George Romero. So when the new David Fincher movie was being previewed, I asked her along so we could finally meet. Unfortunately, I didn’t really think it through, as the killer at the dark heart of the movie preys on young couples, meaning extended scenes of dates ending in death.
So, while Zodiac is an uncomfortable watch at the best of times, it was also unbearably awkward on this occasion. So much so that by the time the credits rolled, fear and anxiety were in the air, but romance was very much not.
Hellraiser
If Cenobites were serious about causing pain, they wouldn’t bother skinning people alive. In fact, to cause the most delectable agony imaginable, they wouldn’t need any traditional torture devices. All they’d need to do is be in the room when someone’s watching a movie they love with someone who clearly hates it.
Unfortunately, this isn’t a hypothetical scenario for me. It’s a lived experience and one of the most achingly uncomfortable moments of my life. It was my birthday, and as such, my girlfriend had said I could choose the evening’s movie. I chose Hellraiser. I realize now, with the benefit of hindsight, this was a mistake.
Within mere minutes of the film starting, I began to feel anxious. It was clear from the moment Frank Cotton oozed his way onscreen (dirty fingernails and all) that she wasn’t enjoying it. Things only got worse when my favorite bloated skin sack, Butterball, rolled up, and she wasn’t immediately charmed by his piggy little features. I did the polite thing and said, “We can turn it off,” but she persevered. Oh god, how I wish she’d let us turn it off.
The film’s 93-minute run time stretched out into infinity; it was agonizing, and I spent all that time noticing the flaws and problems in one of my favorite films. All the squick, grease, and dirt in the film that I loved became gross oddities filtered through the lens of my girlfriend’s disgust. Then, the final blow. She picked up her phone and started scrolling through Twitter. I wish I could say it was a relief to know she’d stopped watching, but it wasn’t. It was a dagger to the heart. As the credits rolled, I dared to ask, “What did you think of it?” to which she said, “I’m sorry I hated it. It’s boring.” Needless to say, I haven’t shown her the sequels.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
I had my very first date with a girl when I was 14 years old, and it was to see X-Men Origins: Wolverine, as we were both huge fans of superhero movies. At first, everything seemed to be going well, and we were both enjoying the company and the film (as much as we could because it kind of sucked). Still, everything quickly went downhill when I realized that our theater’s copy of the film didn’t have all the special effects put in, so some of the scenery and CGI on the characters weren’t there. Trying to get through my first kiss with half-CGI Ryan Reynolds in my peripheral definitely made that date one to remember, for better and for worse.